Boundaries and the 6 C’s of boundary setting

“Turkey Bolognese” I shouted.

“We don't all need to know your lunch order, Sarah” my boss replied.

It seemed that my mobile phone had come off mute just as I was shouting out to my kids what we were having for dinner that evening. I had the phone in one hand and a wooden spoon in the other, as I frantically tried to multi-task my corporate work call with the States, making dinner for myself & the children as well as helping with their homework at the same time.

Managing a full-time corporate job as a single parent was tough. I actually think it's tough for any parent, but will likely be harder for the solo parents - even more so if you don't have family nearby (also me). I was routinely on work calls in the evenings as I worked closely with my colleagues in the USA, and yet I was also on calls in the mornings as I had colleagues across Europe too.

Over time, I began to resent my work and was disliking what it had done to my home life… however, on reflection now - I had created it. Truth bomb right there 💣

I had allowed my work to take over. I didn't have solid boundaries in place… I actually had very little in the way of boundaries full stop - solid or otherwise!!

Going by the dictionary definition, a boundary is something that sets out the limit or edge - for instance, you might have a fence that marks the boundary between your garden and your neighbours. However, in psychology, a boundary can be more conceptual and might be a limit between you and another person, or in my example above, my employer. Boundaries can help keep you mentally, emotionally, and even physically, safe. They are part of self-care, and boundaries are healthy, normal and necessary.

Some examples of boundaries might be a teacher who decides to share limited information about their personal life with their students, or a teenager who requests that their parents knock before entering their bedroom. Or perhaps a program management director who blocks out her calendar at dinner-times so she can enjoy her meal with her children (if only I'd done ‘the inner work’ sooner!).

Here are my 6 C's of boundary setting…

Contemplate

Take some time to reflect on the boundaries that do you have in place currently, and are they working out for you?

Characterise

What boundaries would you like to implement, and why? Get clear on how you want to feel, and ensure that you have boundaries that will support this.

Communicate

Once you have defined your boundaries, you will need to communicate this with the relevant people.

Consequence

When communicating your boundaries, I think it's good to focus on how you feel and what the impact is when your boundary isn't recognised or adhered to.

Continuous Cycle

This will become a continuous improvement cycle (bit corporate, but bear with me!), as you learn, develop and grow. This might be a topic that you add to a quarterly check-in or business review for example.